Stay away from clumsy blood collectors
by Andrea Mulder-Slater
Truthfully, tiny blood vessels
aren’t much of an inconvenience when it comes to regular day-to-day
living. However, they can be a real hindrance when your doctor is trying
to determine your B-12 levels.
Take it from me; having blood removed from your body when your veins are the size of an anorexic earthworm on a cleanse, is kind of like having your tongue shoved through a drinking straw – a bendy one.
Take it from me; having blood removed from your body when your veins are the size of an anorexic earthworm on a cleanse, is kind of like having your tongue shoved through a drinking straw – a bendy one.
A
few years ago, on a particularly dismal day at the lab, I went in for a
routine CBC (otherwise know as a clumsy blood collection). Soon after I
sat down, a nurse (we’ll call her Kathy Bates) made three failed attempts
on my right arm before moving on to the left. It appeared as though she
had made a successful poke until I realized only two minuscule beads of
plasma had been sucked into the syringe. “I think I went right through,” she said nonchalantly, before withdrawing the needle and taking another stab.
What I was thinking: Are you f&%#ing kidding me? Wait, aren't you the crazy nurse from Misery?
What I said: Is there, um, someone else who might be able to help with this?
Nurse Kathy: You have small veins. This is impossible.
What I was thinking: No shit. Seriously, are you going to break my legs too?
What I said: Yeah, I know. Could someone else…
Nurse Kathy: You look a little pale. Squeamish are you? Can I get you some orange juice?
What I was thinking: Bloody Hell! I’m on a fourteen hour fast and you just poked a needle through my f&%#ing vein. Are you insane???
What I said: I’m okay thanks, I’ll just lean my head back and…
When I came to, I was horizontal and a young boy was staring up my left nostril. “Is she okay mommy?” he asked, as his mother covered his eyes and quickly whisked him away.
No wonder. I looked like a strung out, tracked-up addict.
From
that day on, I decided to never subject myself to a CBC again. Then, I
got pregnant and learned quite quickly that giving blood (and buckets of
urine, by the way) is mandatory when with child.
Fortunately,
I was introduced to Ellen the Great and Ellen the Great introduced me
to “baby butterfly.” For those who don’t know, a baby butterfly is a
teeny tiny needle used to procure blood from small children (and me) and
Ellen the Great is my new best friend – though my steady hugs are
starting to make her feel uncomfortable.
No, really.