Do not call us. Seriously.

by Andrea Mulder-Slater

The telephone rang. Geoff picked it up...

Geoff: Hello.

Caller: Yes, hello. My name is Steve. I am calling to you to let you know your computer is broken.

Geoff: That's amazing.

Caller: Yes. We have scanned your computer. It is full of viruses. I will help you remove the viruses.

Geoff: (silence)

Caller: Sir? Hello?

Geoff: What is this about again?

Caller: Viruses.

Geoff:  I'm not sick.

Caller: Your computer sir. Your computer is full of viruses.

Geoff: That's impossible.

Caller: But, we have done a scan on your computer.

Geoff:  I don't have a computer.

Caller: You don't have a computer?

Geoff: No.

Caller: But, everyone has a computer.

Geoff: I don't.

Caller : (silence)

Geoff: I have a tractor.

Caller: (stunned silence)

Geoff: My tractor is broken. Maybe you could help me fix it.

Caller: I. Um. I'm not sure I understand what you...

Geoff: It's the front tire. It just won't hold air.

Caller: I really don't think...

Geoff: I've tried everything but she leaks like a son of a bitch. I need my tractor. I farm you know. I can't farm without my tractor. I love my tractor. Listen, if you could fix my tractor you would really be helping me out a lot.

Caller: I can't do that.

Geoff: You mean, you can't fix my tractor?

Caller: No.

Geoff: Well then, why are you calling me?

Caller: I. Uh. I don't know.

More proof that we are the reason the do not call list was created.

No, really.