Andrea Mulder-Slater

by Andrea Mulder-Slater My name is Andrea and I have small veins. Truthfully, tiny blood vessels aren’t much of an inconvenience when it comes to regular day-to-day living. However, they can be a real hindrance when your doctor is trying to determine your B-12 levels. Take it from me; having blood removed from your body when your veins are the size of an anorexic earthworm on a cleanse, is kind of like having your tongue shoved through a drinking straw – a bendy one. A few years ago, on a particularly dismal day at the lab, I went in for a routine CBC (otherwise know as a clumsy blood collection). Soon after I sat down, a nurse (we’ll call her Kathy Bates) made three failed attempts on my right arm before moving on to the left. It appeared as though she had made a successful poke until I realized only two minuscule beads of plasma had been sucked into the syringe. “ I think I went right through ,” she said nonchalantly, before withdrawing the needle and taki

by Andrea Mulder-Slater I woke up this morning to the sounds of a calm middle-aged woman telling me that my house might be on fire. Apparently, our smoke alarm talks, which theoretically is not a bad thing. However, the voice inside our detector is a female version of HAL , from 2001: A Space Odyssey . Her voice is so damn soothing, she might as well have been singing a freaking lullaby this morning, because after the initial jolt of hearing the beep, I started to drift back off to sleep. And, (I’m not sure because after all, I was asleep but...) I think I heard her say, " It can only be attributable to human error. Clearly, the smoke alarm people picked the wrong voice over actress for the job of announcer. Instead of using the voice of HAL, as played by Bambi’s mother, they should have hired, oh I don’t know… Kathy Griffin. You tell me. What would you rather hear while your house is aflame? “Um, excuse me. Fi-eye-ur. Tra, la, la. Smoke… detected. I think we’ll call

by Andrea Mulder-Slater The phone rang. I picked it up. The voice on the other end didn't offer a name but he sounded like a Nick, so I think I'll refer to him as Nick. Nervous Nick. Nervous Nick : Can I speak to Mr. Geoff Slater please? Wow - Mister. This was official. Me : Um, he's a little tied up at the moment. [You're in luck Nick. Hang up the phone. Save yourself! Do it now!] I didn't say that last part. I just thought it. Just then, Geoff spotted me. He motioned to the phone. I nodded that yes, it was for him. I tried to spare you Nick. I really did. Okay, maybe I didn’t try too hard. Geoff : Hello? I don't know exactly what Nervous Nick said, but it had something to do with a special event at a local car dealership. Geoff : No, I didn't receive anything like that in the mail. I handed Geoff the day's mail which included an invitation to a special event at a local car dealership. Geoff : Oh yeah. Ok. I see it here now. So.

by Andrea Mulder-Slater “Is anyone coming from your side?” Jan and I were heading to the home improvement store to pick up something for Geoff. At a stop sign, I checked to see if anyone was about to drive into us. It was all clear and so I responded with the words, “No answer.” The puzzled look on my mother’s face wasn’t anything I hadn’t already seen before. What I had meant to say was that it was all clear… that no one was coming. Instead my response was better suited for making a telephone call, than checking on traffic. I had a good excuse. I was tired – as usual. We all were. This house building stuff was taking its toil. Partway to our destination, a screech came from the backseat. “Eeeeeek! A fly!” A housefly had hitched a ride and buzzed above my daughter’s head, before disappearing into the large bag of garbage sitting in the back. Prior to leaving the house, we had stuffed the stinky sack in the car, fully intending to stop – three seconds